Velvet skin…

I cant help but feel like Taylor Swift… maybe I’M the problem.

In the last month or so, I’ve had the man I loved delete me from his life and block me from Facebook. My ex husband, at the wishes of his new plaything did the same as she did. My cousin got mad at me and did the same. My child’s father’s last words to me were to be enveloped in the gaping maw of his silence forever.
I cant help but feel like Taylor Swift… maybe I’M the problem. people don’t cut you out for nothing right?
Then, I had one of those folks come back and say that after all the years, I was the most honest, beautiful and desirable woman they’d ever met. They regretted everything that happened and wished they’d known what they had.
I have to admit, I felt redemption.
redemp
Then something new happened…
I have decided not to date. I just don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend right now. I’ve been hanging out with a guy. he’s a great friend. I told him how the soldier crushed me, and he understood. When it was over he was there. Not just to take advantage, but to honestly just be there. To listen to me. To hang out and do boring things with me– he seriously helped assemble my Christmas tree just so we could hang out. He lets me sleep on him, his beautifully smooth skin, and never pressures me for sex.
I just realized this weekend, this guy might actually be worth his salt. While I’m still not wanting to be anybody’s girlfriend, which I don’t think is fair to him, it’s so refreshing to believe again. I kinda wanna go on a date with the dude, and I think I will.

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I’d rather shit in my hands and clap….

Hey that guy, that Chris Futchs or Fuchks guy, I don’t know how you say it, but who’s the chick in his Facebook profile pic?

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My brother rarely presses me for details about my love life as I’ve basically just dated a string of assholes who have either cheated on me, lied to me or were quite simply douchebags, and hed just rather not hate any more dudes. But last night he asked this question.
“is that his sister or something?”
“no, probably his ex wife. I don’t know because he blocked me from viewing his account and she did a long time ago. That’s what happened, though, he broke up with me to get back with her”
“that sucks. It’s just weird seeing his comments on your status and stuff with a chick on his profile pic that’s not you.”

I was a bit taken aback by this question. Not because I had to explain I was dumped by being deleted from Facebook; not because I saw the disappointment in his face when he saw I’d been hurt again by another asshole guy (maybe they’re just all assholes to him) but because I felt myself growing angry. The whole time Chris and I were together, we never, ever had profile pics as a couple on Facebook. And just days after he left me hang in, his photos of  Hitler, Bill Murray or Skrillex cage had been replaced with a couples shot. Why was I so pissed?

Chris never used his Facebook page except to share jokes and cute pictures of his child. In fact, here’s a funny ecard he posted on his very own Facebook page within the last few months (hilarious isn’t it?)

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Ahhh the foreshadowing.

But I was really pissed. Much more than I should have been. It’s just Facebook.

But it isn’t “just Facebook” anymore. Everyone knows that damn site has changed everything about how we interact with everyone! It’s essentially one giant high school cafeteria where everyone is talking loud enough for everyone else to hear or holding up their binders with funny cartoons they drew last period. So why wouldn’t dating and boyfriend girlfriend stuff be included?

Other people have blogged about this, so I’m not going to just rehash how Facebook has changed it all. I just couldn’t believe he changed his pic to a couple shot already?!!?

I was jealous, honestly. The only pictures of myself and Chris on Facebook were ones we took during an amazing weekend at Six Flags several months ago. None were together though. That was one of my pre-deployment regrets– not taking more photos together.

But we took some really great ones the weekend before Halloween, days before he decided to reconcile with his ex. Actually one or two were quite beautiful and candid. The night before I drove him back to his training site (literally a matter of hours before he flaked) we did the cheesy, smooching, hearts over the head photos on his new computer. Normally I’m not into this stuff, which is why it’s not on my Facebook page. But I was looking forward to those photos being emailed to me. They were going to be posted on this blog.

Why was the sudden surfacing of her face again on his Facebook such a big deal?

I suppose since Facebook is the giant cafeteria, Chris is basically screaming to everyone “look at me and my old wife! We’re together again!!” A girl can’t help but wonder why he never did that when we were together…

Yeah, there was the big “relationship status” request the first go around, which is such a freaking big deal these days, I love it. And we were both smart enough to avoid the “in a relationship” to “single” debacle the first go around. But NEVER any relationship exhibition like this. After we decided to give it another try a month or so before the second world war, there was some social media courting (which is what I call posting on each others’ pages) between us, but that was it. Even after we got snap-happy with the camera, he never wanted to share any of it. I was never acknowledged in the social media realm, which he has now proven actually matters to him.

Every woman secretly wants a man to stand in a crowded room and scream that he loves her to everyone. if you have a girlfriend, (boyfriend) wife, fiancee, dudes out there, change your profile picture right now to a shot of the two of you together. Seriously. Such a trivial thing will really make for a big smile on her (or his) face. Then, if things don’t work out, that person will never have to wonder why you never did.

Even if it’s for a day. Do it. If you don’t have any photos, take one. You’ll regret it later.

I guess it isn’t the fact that there were never any photos of him and I together that upsets me. Some people just aren’t into that type of exhibition. I’m more upset that Chris’ behavior has changed so dramatically in such a short period of time. I’m starting to realize the more I learn about this man through the way he has left me that he probably never had any other intention than to use me for whatever he could get. And I gave it all to him. But I did so in private, the way he wanted things, so when I disappeared again nobody would ever know… I don’t know what’s worse. A super-public break-up on Facebook, or being treated like you never existed.

And, on a lighter note, he obviously wouldn’t rather shit in his hands and clap.

**Disclaimer: I cannot see Chris’ profile on Facebook, therefore I do not know for sure whether my assertions in this blog are correct. It is entirely possible that “woman in the pic” could very well be a sister, which would make this entire blog 10 times more ridiculous.**

I guess that’s the end of this blog

So, yeah, he says he needs time alone to think. Overnight I’m deleted as his Facebook friend. Sounds silly, but what kind of boyfriend deletes you as a facebook friend and stops communicating with you all together? An ex boyfriend.
I didn’t want to do that. I don’t want to let him go. But he’s acting like he broke up with me but never said the words. So I had to do something. Now I’m hoping I didn’t do exactly what I didn’t want to, burden him with more stress….
Someone just tell me what to do.

Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again…

I am a person in this relationship as well, but I’m not the one going to war.

He’s been visibly and noticeably pulling from me. And now I get the messages about how he has a lot on his mind, naturally, and just needs some time alone to think things over. I’m leaving for a week of vacation Sunday. How am I possibly going to spend time with my family and not worry, worry, worry worry about what is going on with him. This is almost a carbon copy of what we went through before the previous breakup.

I’m so concerned. It’s eating me alive. I want to be there for him. I want to offer him support. I want to talk about whatever is rolling around in his head, but he doesn’t want to. I will not push him to. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep telling myself it’s okay to put my fears and doubts and, honestly my devastation that he’s even having doubts about us, on the back burner. I am a person in this relationship as well, but I’m not the one going to war.

I can handle whatever he has to say, other than “I don’t love you and can’t be with you.”

If it’s my own level of commitment in doubt, I need to make it clear I’m as loyal as a junkyard dog. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want anyone but him.

Not only do I want to wait for him as a significant other, I would be honored to. It would be my pleasure and a privilege.

If he’s worried I won’t be able to handle long periods of not communicating, then let’s take some time to practice. I’m willing to endure training while he’s training. Whatever gets us to a good spot.

What’s worse, is if he breaks my heart again, I don’t know I would be willing to come back for a third helping of misery. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum. I don’t want to stress him out. But I’m starting to feel, quite simply, used… again. And if someone makes you feel that way, how long do you wait before telling them you can’t endure it anymore?

No sleep ’til Brooklyn

I’ve waited all day to climb into bed. Now that I’m here, it appears as though I’ll wait all night before I get some rest.
He said he’d call tonight from his hotel, but he didn’t. He’s got a lot on his mind. He’s likely tired like me, or perhaps talked with his daughter tonight. I just don’t know how a person can be so in love with you for weeks and weeks then just stop communicating with a flip of a switch.
It feels like he’s going to run from me again. It feels like the cycle of love and separation is repeating. However, he’s made little comments here and there about us being faithful to each other over the next year and that he wanted to be sure his smell was on my bedsheets (odd thing I really enjoy), so I don’t want to make a mountain of a mole hill. I’m just scared. About a lot of things.
And the sweet smell of heaven on earth on my pillow is simultaneously alleviating and exasterbating my misery and longing.

Time is not on our side

I drove him back to his company’s training site today, and while it was a miserable drive to make early in the morning (and I’m reeeeaaaly not a morning person), I was glad to have a few hours with him.
Those few hours were pretty easy. I think chris was nervous and apprehensive about coming back after being with his family, so I tried to keep things light and enjoyable. All I could think about was how much I wanted to just crawl back under the covers and take him with me.
The miles and minutes disintegrated faster and faster as the sun climbed above the horizon…the pressure to say something meaningful crushing my ribs.
I just don’t think I’m supposed to say the final goodbye yet. One more chance in December. But I don’t want to depend too much on a second chance…I think they could go at any moment after training.
I found out today a previously scheduled family vacation is going to prevent me from attending chris’ family day event. I can’t lie; I’m sort of heartbroken. He has no transportation of his own and is going to have to stay in a hotel while his friends go back home until Sunday. Then he won’t have anyone there for family day.
On the way home a wave of regret preceded a shower of tears. Why didn’t I plan better for the short time chris was here? Why didn’t I take a million pictures of us together? Even if they were being silly… We played around with his new computer last night and I realized chris will need reminders of how happy he makes me (it’s pretty obvious from my face in the pictures). Why didn’t I let him hear my voice telling him how much I love him? Really and truly how much…and how much, even of we do get to see each other in December, I’m going to miss him.
I’m not a religious person, but I found myself wishing and begging some unknown entity to please have another chance before d-day. Just one more day… Please.

Ready? Set? Deploy!

So resiliency training is a big deal, and the National Guard has taken the time, at least in Oklahoma, to address family readiness and the importance of support for their soldiers.
Since Sept. 11, 2011, 19 Oklahoma National Guardsmen have been killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, according to a press release from the Oklahoma National Guard. In that same time frame, 16 have committed suicide. Interestingly enough, five of those persons had never been deployed–it was family or relational problems that prefaced their acts (or as he likes to say, resiliency training is the number one cause of suicides”). So, what family or relational problems would do to someone while deployed?
I read through some of the resiliency training points.
I’m starting to understand now why couples in dating relationships break up before deployments. There’s a whole lot of advice on what married couples with children should do, and I’m sure the military probably doesn’t want to endorse any other sort of arrangements among couples. However, the world is a different place today than it was yesterday, and certainly different than it was years ago.
People in love may not be married. They may not have children. They may not even live together. But does that make a connection to a deploying soldier or his or her spouse any less significant? It’s easy to glance over throngs of young men dating girls with their panties oozing to wait for their man as silly, fleeting phases, and just say they don’t know anything about life, but these are the men and women whose relationships end with a suicide pact. It’s important to them.
While he and I would never agree to such a ridiculous thing, nor do I find our relationship silly, the relationship we have is important to us.
Here’s the layout of “us.”
We’re both divorced. He has a 4-year-old daughter with his ex-wife, and I have a 1-year-old son with a man who came after my divorce. We met online, when I;m not sure if he was, but I wasn’t looking for a life-long lover. We sent emails, then texts, then talked on the phone, then met in person. From there, we tried to spend every moment together that was possible. Practically every single night for months and months, we were together. Before he left, we discussed the possibility of moving in together when he returned.
I was 26 at the time. He’s 31.
We are far from a young, silly, high-school love struck couple of teens wanting to blindly follow love wherever it would take us. Although, I think there might be some sort of benefit to blindly following pure, untainted love in to a war zone.    You don’t question what being apart from his child will do to his well being. You don’t wonder if your child will remember this person when he returns. You don’t worry about anything but how you will survive the time apart. That must be refreshing.
School came, and the time apart was difficult. I spent a lot of time in denial about the upcoming deployment, and I didn’t ask to talk about it like I should have before it was too late. The stress started building and building. So I would find myself waiting until my intensity level was up to 11, bracing for 12, and just having explosions of thoughts, worries and feelings.
I wasn’t communicating effectively. He was pulling away even further. I can still go from happy, to angry, to depressed, to lonely and back to happy in less than an hour as I try to wade through the bullshit that is pre-deployment.
He broke up with me, stating he found himself fighting to stay in the relationship and simply couldn’t be in one with anyone at the moment. He later (too long later) clarified that he felt wrong asking me to wait around for a man especially when we weren’t dependent on the other, married or lived together–which are all the situations the military addresses for family readiness.
So back to the resiliency training. There’s all this great advice for spending time with your children (but we don’t have children together) and ensuring a parent’s transition to being a single parent (which I already am) will be easier. But there’s absolutely nothing there to help me better understand and prepare for this situation, nor is there anything to help him turn the love of a good partner into an asset rather than a hindrance.
What’s happening, is he is being, somewhat forced to try and squeeze in all this quality time with multiple individuals without any of that time overlapping.
For “normal” families (I just threw up in my mouth a little), taking individual time for each child is no biggie. It could be simply letting your significant other and a child camp out in the back yard a night, or playing video games after work until 2 a.m. or taking him or her to the movies. Your man or woman is still close by. You’re still together under the same roof (unless you camp outside, of course). But not for the military girlfriend.
I have time allotted to me. Anything beyond that time is dedicated to his daughter, as it should be. But I can’t say it doesn’t hurt my feelings to know he’s just a short drive away when he’s been hundreds of miles away for months and I cannot go to him. I cannot be under the same roof. Especially when that distance is going to climb into the thousands of miles range in a short time. Such a short time. Way too short of a time.
You start questioning whether your allotted time was good enough. Is he’s even thinking of you anymore? Does he just need some time with the little one, free from distraction, or is his unbridled passion fading again? Did he just need some time together for physical intimacy? Is that what I’m here for? What AM I here for?
I’ll tell you why I’M here….love, quite simply.
I’ve made a lot of dumb mistakes, a lot of them involving men, in my life. When I was married, I didn’t recognize how we were smothering and enabling each other. I freaked out afterward and sought the attention of anyone who would give it to me, got pregnant by a guy who was not anywhere near ready to be a parent, and tried to do the FWB thing (why does anyone still believe this is a good idea?). By the time I met him, I was burned down and worn the hell out.
He did nothing but restore my faith in love, men, family, the freakin’ universe.
I have never met someone who makes me laugh like he does. I have never met anyone who makes me want to be a better person the way he does. There’s this boarder line creepy, direct link between our brains. He’s a good man. An excellent father. And just an all-around fantastic human being.
Weeks after our official separation, we decided to make some changes and give it another go. I couldn’t be happier.
The point of all this mess of words, I suppose, is that there isn’t a clear answer to the question, “He’s getting deployed, what do I do now?” I live in a world where answers are asked, sought, found and re-produced as tools for others to use. I’ve tried and tried to seek out the answer to the question, “How do I do this?” and it simply doesn’t work that way.
How can the military expect families to prepare when they aren’t even acknowledging the fact that families don’t look the way they used to? No wonder these men and women believe it’s better to not take a partner’s heart in their duffels. It’s a heavy burden to carry, especially when the agency sending you away doesn’t even recognize someone special to you as someone that “matters” in any real sense of the word.