An Hour as a Warrior

A tandem massage by definition is far from naughty, even though its linguistic similarity to “tantric massage” has a tendency to raise eyebrows, but my experience this past month was absolutely transcendent.
Like, almost but not quite better than sex.
I was getting a massage a few weeks ago (be jealous) at Emerald Lane Massage Studio, aka “Heaven on earth,” and the therapists mentioned they were doing a special on tandem massages the following Saturday.
The couples massage team took a few minutes showcasing their delightful skills on myself and my partner in crime, explaining that a tandem massage is essentially two masseuses working one client at the same time.
Before I could get the words out of my mouth, my fellow massagee said, “Can you have three at the same time?”
This is one of many reasons why we get along so well. Within 60 minutes, we had signed up for triple tandem massages that weekend for an absurdly low price.
I showed up at the spa, located at 1817 W. Gore, just after lunch ready for any piece of action Nate and Holly were ready to throw my way. If it was anything like the couples massage I’d experienced that week, I would wind up trying to adopt two grown adults by the end of the day.
They told me I was going to be their first ever triple tandem massage, or “TT” as I lovingly called it, and I honestly felt a bit prideful. I was their first. And boy they did leave me quivering.
As soon as the lights dimmed and the soothing music started, I reverted back to an ancient state of relaxation, six hands gliding and gripping every sore strand in my back and legs.
I seriously felt like a celebrated gladiator being pampered by wenches — or an angel, devil and a transformer. Same thing. Bottom line is this: Hands. Everywhere. Relaxation.
At one point, I seriously floated over my own body hovering on the massage table listening to the blood flow through the vessels. I had died and entered Valhalla. AKA the “TT.”
When we were finished, I could barely get my clothes back on (wouldn’t it be nice of every first time was this good?). I felt like a manta ray gliding down the hallway back to the lobby, where I collapsed into a flesh puddle.

mack

Just like Alex Mack, girl.

I immediately knew I wanted to blog about it.
Seriously, if you haven’t ever had a massage, or a tandem massage, I recommend calling Emerald Lane Spa right now. Hell, if you HAVE, call them (699-8777) and do it again. Your body will love you for it, and you might even feel like a gladiator. These people offer an experience like no other, and they do so at seriously discounted rates for military, police, firefighters, EMTs and teachers, ya know, all those important folks. Check them out now. https://www.facebook.com/emeraldlanemassagestudio

Another avoidable 30-second media frenzy

See, this whole debacle with Congressman Jim Bridenstine could’ve been avoided if people would practice a dead art — answering questions.
If you live in Oklahoma, and you haven’t heard about this guy, Bridenstine, turn off Big Brother and give him the attention he’s demanding…just a little bit, though. Here’s the skinny: In June, the Lawton/Fort Sill community was bluntly informed the military base would be used to house about 1,200 children who had illegally entered the country. They would be staying temporarily at a safe, clean, awesome place, basically (and from what I hear, they are). Then, they would be relocated to “caretakers or family” possibly already in the country.
Bridenstine showed up at the facility last week and demanded to come inside to check things out. Security officers informed him he could not, as he hadn’t made a scheduled appointment. Now he’s calling for media to boycott touring the facility with recording and interviewing restrictions, the same restrictions placed on anyone who tours the facility.
He says he has the right to be there; The officials running the facility still have an obligation to protect those left in their temporary care.
I agree with both.
I’ll always support the fight for any public agency to be more transparent; They are funded with tax-payers’ dollars specifically to perform functions on behalf of “the people.” I do believe we have the right to not only know, but also to see, touch, smell and taste. However, officials at the facility have treated him just like everyone else; they’ve not been unfair, and this guy is rubbing me the wrong way.
Bridenstine’s bandwagon ride has probably gained thousands of Web site hits and countless interview requests. We’ve run stories on the front page about the shenanigans twice. (There WAS a grainy YouTube video, though). He’s proud of his interview with Greta Van Susteren and every other media outlet in the country.
Every candidate is using this situation as an avenue to sling mud at either the president, Congress, or “Mexico (Even though many of the children are not, in fact, from Mexico).”
Now, he’s insinuating there’s some sort of “cover-up” going on, or at least enabling his Facebook followers to troll his page, one even commenting that “They don’t want you to know its adults and not children.”
I’ve spoken with one person employed during the initial stages of the transition, and there’s no doubt the children are happy, healthy and safe. They were cheering on a World Cup team one day and practicing salsa dancing the next. They’re eating, and honestly, living well.
All that in mind, Bridenstine seems to be a conflict candidate perfectly tempered for the American populous.
“I’ll wait until the people start Facebook raging about (insert topic), and I’ll whip it up into stiff, delicious controversy to keep myself relevant. Then, when we pass a knee-jerk piece of legislation to “fix” the temporary sting of (insert problem), everyone will forget about it and move on.”
It’s a brilliant strategy. I can’t really be mad at the guy for doing his job well, especially when he’s yelling for access to a facility I’d, personally, love to access. He probably could’ve been wildly successful if he’d taken the stance during the “rage swell” that followed immediately after the announcement that unregistered minors would be housed at Fort Sill, literally minutes away from the community in which I live.
The local news covered the story… every single day. Relentlessly. After two weeks of the noise, I wanted to puke blood. Again, they were just doing their jobs, but it was exhausting to scramble to find out tiny morsels of sometimes irrelevant or insignificant information.
Maybe that’s why he bothers me so much– Bridenstine is acting like the journalist I know I should be.
I do believe people should be allowed to talk with the children. I do believe they should be allowed to record it if the parties are willing and media escorts ensure there’s no sensitive information about the facility leaked.
That will never happen, though.
The media cockblock has been pretty intense on this whole operation. I’ve watched a reporter in my office work to get some tiny piece of information confirmed by officials, and it nearly gave me an ulcer. The local personnel on Post have their hands tied, and it’s not uncommon for some questions to be referred to another agency. It happens often, so I really wasn’t surprised.
But every request for official information was funneled to one phone number and email account at D.C. Some of the questions are ignored, and sometimes the official at the other end simply refers the asker to a list of Frequently Asked Questions online.
The big questions still haven’t been answered.
First and foremost, who made the decision to house the children at Fort Sill, and when was this decision made? It literally felt like there was a press release, “Hey, we’re going to have a couple thousand unaccompanied minors stay on Post for a little while,” and then they were here. I know it ultimately doesn’t matter; The children had to go somewhere, but I would just like to know how these logistical decisions played out here. Was Fort Sill a plan B? For Hobby Lobby’s sake, a plan “D?”
Even Governor Mary Fallin told The Lawton Constitution last month that she doesn’t know:
“I’m also very conscientious and aware that we don’t have a lot of answers of what’s going on. I’ve been on a briefing this week with many officials in Washington, D.C. They gave us a general, overall, ‘here’s why we did it, here’s how it’s happening, here’s where it’s going on.’ Very basic stuff. Not a lot of detail. Told us we could ask one question.”
Then, the big one, what now? How does the process of relocating the children work? Are there counselors interviewing every child to find out where his or her parents, relatives, friends, etc. are living? Who are the persons performing this service, and what methodology do they use? If they’re out-of-the country, will they be returned (deported) to their families there? What if there’s nothing left for them to return to? Have any been relocated at this time?
It seems like public agencies, at least in this area of the country, are increasingly inclined to release only what information they are legally mandated to share and all questions are swatted away like bothersome mosquitoes. Well, stagnant water breeds more mosquitoes, so don’t complain when they’re biting you.
So, now I tell the folks in Washington: You’ve let the pond stagnate; Next time you want to house over a thousand immigrant children at a federal facility and pay hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to do so, be sure you pay it forward with the American people about the plan and answer some fucking questions.
As for Bridenstine asking the media boycotting a restricted tour? Is he serious? Those reporters have been planning and preparing for weeks, just like he was asked to wait for a tour. We’ve got a job to do, as do you, and plan to do it. I know it’s being fed with a spoon, but starving solves nobody’s problems. And above all, reporters, who have been signing up in droves for tours this week, aren’t members of congress trying to drum up popular support for re-election.