A tandem massage by definition is far from naughty, even though its linguistic similarity to “tantric massage” has a tendency to raise eyebrows, but my experience this past month was absolutely transcendent.
Like, almost but not quite better than sex.
I was getting a massage a few weeks ago (be jealous) at Emerald Lane Massage Studio, aka “Heaven on earth,” and the therapists mentioned they were doing a special on tandem massages the following Saturday.
The couples massage team took a few minutes showcasing their delightful skills on myself and my partner in crime, explaining that a tandem massage is essentially two masseuses working one client at the same time.
Before I could get the words out of my mouth, my fellow massagee said, “Can you have three at the same time?”
This is one of many reasons why we get along so well. Within 60 minutes, we had signed up for triple tandem massages that weekend for an absurdly low price.
I showed up at the spa, located at 1817 W. Gore, just after lunch ready for any piece of action Nate and Holly were ready to throw my way. If it was anything like the couples massage I’d experienced that week, I would wind up trying to adopt two grown adults by the end of the day.
They told me I was going to be their first ever triple tandem massage, or “TT” as I lovingly called it, and I honestly felt a bit prideful. I was their first. And boy they did leave me quivering.
As soon as the lights dimmed and the soothing music started, I reverted back to an ancient state of relaxation, six hands gliding and gripping every sore strand in my back and legs.
I seriously felt like a celebrated gladiator being pampered by wenches — or an angel, devil and a transformer. Same thing. Bottom line is this: Hands. Everywhere. Relaxation.
At one point, I seriously floated over my own body hovering on the massage table listening to the blood flow through the vessels. I had died and entered Valhalla. AKA the “TT.”
When we were finished, I could barely get my clothes back on (wouldn’t it be nice of every first time was this good?). I felt like a manta ray gliding down the hallway back to the lobby, where I collapsed into a flesh puddle.
I immediately knew I wanted to blog about it.
Seriously, if you haven’t ever had a massage, or a tandem massage, I recommend calling Emerald Lane Spa right now. Hell, if you HAVE, call them (699-8777) and do it again. Your body will love you for it, and you might even feel like a gladiator. These people offer an experience like no other, and they do so at seriously discounted rates for military, police, firefighters, EMTs and teachers, ya know, all those important folks. Check them out now. https://www.facebook.com/emeraldlanemassagestudio