I just hate wanting someone to only want me when I’m not even sure what I want.
I hate myself sometimes when I think about how I treat men and what I expect of them.
Perfectly wonderful person in my life at the moment who would likely do anything for me. I didn’t want a relationship, and I don’t know if I still do. Not because of who he is… he’s great. I just didn’t know if I could handle jumping from one love lily to another. And I wanted to be fair to such a pure-hearted individual. I told him the truth, and he still embraced me and let me rest my weary heart in his jelly bed.
I honestly believe I may have hurt him when I went back to Chris. We weren’t dating or anything, but it felt like I had to break up with the guy.
For days, I could hear the devastation in his text messages.
How dare I even think I deserved a spot back in those arms?
Whether I did or not, he gave it to me.
For weeks now, I’ve spent a lot of time with him. He understands my child is the number one love of my life, and just goes with it. My son loves being around him, and I can understand why. He’s kind and giving and smart and funny and has lived an interesting life. I enjoy his company immensely.
But he doesn’t belong to me.
It was my idea to not enter a relationship. I was the one who pushed him away. The truth was every time I touched him, or kissed him, I thought of Chris.
That has faded dramatically.
Over the last few weeks, all that really remains is a bit of anger about how I was treated and the overall sadness that I believed my happy ending was finally in the works. It just hurts to know the plan has been abandoned.
That’s why I didn’t want to get to close to anyone else, especially so soon. How would that be fair to a person who wants a girlfriend.
But it sure feels like that’s what I am.
We spend many a night together, sometimes with my boy. We shop at WalMart together. I kidnap him on a regular basis, and he doesn’t let his frustration seep out. Seriously, diaper shopping and not a sideways look?
The point is within the last 96 hours, I’ve started to realize that while I’ve always liked this person, I might need him in my life a little more than I thought. Nights without him are lame. I’m starting to get upset when I can’t just see him anytime I want, or if he’s busy with friends.
But what do I expect? I laid down the ground rules of no relationship, no girlfriend, and feel free to talk to anyone else that comes along. The only must was honesty.
Well, in the spirit of being honest, I’ve actually reached the point that thinking of him chatting up other chicks bothers me. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, but I guess I didn’t realize he checked his online dating profiles regularly. I have no desire to really meet anyone else right now; I’m perfectly happy enjoying his company. But that’s not what I told him. I told him to spend what time he wanted with me and do what he likes otherwise. Now I can’t help but feel that time with me isn’t enough.
So, like the insecure female I am, I put my investigative reporting skills to work and found out in the last few weeks, he’s found himself quite bored and is looking for social interaction online. I thought our textys would suffice.
Maybe I’m just a way to pass the time. Maybe he thinks there’s no chance of anything real ever happening here. maybe he just likes my company but doesn’t think of me beyond that capacity. Or, he is a guy, maybe he’s just playing the field.
I just hate wanting someone to only want me when I’m not even sure what I want. I guess I just answered my own question.
Oh yeah. Instead of Afghanistan stealing this one away, I can thank Germany.Advertisements