U turn

it’s because I know that I have found a companion that makes me whole, and I may feel incomplete without her while I’m gone. You seriously have made me a better person and I’m going to miss the shit out of you while I’m gone. I can’t wait to get back and to just maybe have the chance to wake with you with a red bull and watch that damn ol’ sun come up.

Just 10 days before chris left me, if you want to even call it that, he wrote these words to me. It makes me wonder if he was wooing his ex at the same time, and just keeping me on the side for a backup plan. I wonder if she even knows all the wonderful things he said to me in the weeks leading up to his feelings just “changing?” was he saying these these things to her too, hoping she’d take the bait? She knew we were together the last weekend of his rnr, but still spent the whole time texting back and forth, not about their daughter being Ill, but about new baby daddy, not being there for her. Not to mention the fact that their friendly social networking messages began weeks before this email. And the last night i took him to my bed, she continued bantering with him. Was he fucking playing us both?
Now I understand somewhat why when I went to chris’ hometown and asked for people there to record a “good luck” message for his deployment and ran into his sister’s best friend, I got a very strange look when I said I was chris’ girlfriend. She just kinda said “ooooh” and her eyes narrowed, like there was some secret I didn’t know.
Messages like these went on for three weeks, while I’m certain he was still talking to her as she”revisited” her feelings. I even warned him about this possibly happening… That having a new baby with a shitty father makes a woman look at her ex in a longing manner. Ive been there. I know. So this letter might just shed some light on why I’m so angry and confused (and this is why I started this blog in the first place)
Literally, 10 days after he said he wanted me to be a role model for his daughter, he broke up with me by deleting me from Facebook. What a “brave” soldier.
I know he’s facing a lot, but there’s no excuse for this.

“As I lay here on my bunk essentially 100% thinking about you, I can’t but help feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. Sometimes I can’t help what goes through my head(Iam a guy). But it’s not the usual I can’t wait to see titties and ass thoughts that I used to have when I was younger. I can envision a life with you. Having a place together, waking up together every morning and having our morning red bulls while the sun comes up. Me helping out with raising Cullen and you with Josselyn. (Btw, I honestly think you would be an amazing role model to joss, I know she thinks the world of you). So if you have ever wondered what was going on in my head, now you know what I think about.

I’m thinking about starting a journal once I get my new computer and I would be privileged for you to get a copy of it after I write in it. Hell, maybe we can start some type of joint blog between the 2 of us.

I haven’t told you this yet because I feel that as ther person i am, I need to always be the strong resilient type, but right now I’m totally fucking scared. Maybe it’s because I know that if I weren’t to come back, joss wouldn’t have a father. Maybe it’s because I know that I have found a companion that makes me whole, and I may feel incomplete without her while I’m gone. You seriously have made me a better person and I’m going to miss the shit out of you while I’m gone. I can’t wait to get back and to just maybe have the chance to wake with you with a red bull and watch that damn ol’ sun come up.”

What a great liar.

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